


heading deep inside lives a voice (a voice so quiet)

by weasleysking



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Post-Battle of Azzano (Marvel), Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Whump, World War II, stevebucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21531763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weasleysking/pseuds/weasleysking
Summary: post the battle of azzano after what's left of the 107th makes it back to camp, steve begins to patch up bucky's remaining injuries from zola's lab. what began as steve caring for his best friend turns quickly to intimacy and an all too real conversation about the effects the lab had on bucky.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 8
Kudos: 110





	heading deep inside lives a voice (a voice so quiet)

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy this quick one i wrote the other night when i couldn't sleep.  
i will go down with this ship, people.  
comments, kudos & feedback always welcome! x

“Captain, with all due respect, the Sargent really should stay here… we have all the equipment to help him-” 

“With all due respect to you too ma’am,” Steve replied seriously, “I have plenty of first aid back in my tent too, and I have the training to help him.” 

“I don’t doubt that, Captain, sir,” the nurse answered tightly. She threw a glance at Bucky, who sat on a stretcher in the corner of the medical tent, hunched in on himself, too tired to insert himself into the conversation like he usually would, far too tired to complain bitterly that he didn’t need looking after, knowing full well that Steve would shout him down. Steve had been shouting him down their whole lives, even when he had to shout  _ up _ at him because he was tiny. Steve looked over at him too, his heart aching at the sight of him so torn down. 

“-but everyone else has to stay here-” 

“Ma’am,” Steve said again, the firmness evident in his tone this time, “you have your hands full here. Please, let me take him with me. I promise I’ll bring him to you if I’m worried.” 

The nurse bit her lip, clearly unsure, then looked over at Bucky again. 

“Fine,” she said, pursing her lips. “Fine, but you make sure you do, Captain.” 

“You have my word, ma’am.” Steve moved to where Bucky sat. 

“Buck,” he said softly, and Bucky looked up. “Come on, you’re coming with me.” 

Bucky raised an eyebrow at Steve warily. “What’re you gonna do, put me to bed?” 

Steve chuckled weakly. Conscious the nurse was still watching them, he pulled Bucky up gently and felt him press into his side as they walked out of the medical tent and further away from the hubbub, towards Captain America’s private quarters. 

Bucky didn’t say anything as they walked, and Steve was busy thinking about how even when he was so much bigger than he used to be, he and Bucky still fit perfectly together, side by side, supporting each other, no matter their sizes. Like the universe knew that despite everything, there was no way to stop Bucky and Steve from fitting perfectly together like jigsaw pieces, simple because they were Bucky and Steve. 

When they reached Steve’s tent, Steve helped Bucky sit down on his bed, then threw a towel at him. It hit Bucky in the face and he spluttered. 

“Jerk,” he said, but his voice was tired. Steve didn’t like Bucky’s voice like that, insulting him with no conviction. 

“Take a shower, Buck,” Steve said gently. “I’ll get out the first aid stuff.” 

“Okay,  _ mom, _ ” Bucky replied dutifully, and headed to the shower. Steve watched him go, then pulled out his first aid kit from a shelf nearby, steadying his trembling hands. 

_ Calm down,  _ he told himself.  _ Bucky’s fine, he’s alive, he’s okay.  _

(Steve would much rather tell himself this than address the fact that Bucky clearly wasn’t okay, that the trauma from Azzano was catching up to him after days of pretending he was completely fine as they hiked back to camp. Selfishly, Steve would rather tell himself this than address the  _ other thing,  _ the thing he always ended up back on with Bucky.  _ The bad thing. The, you’re-not-supposed-to-feel-that thing, the you’re-broken-for-thinking-that thing. _ ) 

“Steve?” 

Steve looked up. 

Bucky stood in the doorway, dripping from the shower but looking and smelling considerably cleaner. Steve’s eyes travelled down to the towel wrapped around Bucky’s waist, and he felt his neck grow hot. He looked away quickly. 

“Here-” he handed Bucky a shirt and boxers that would fit him fine, and he turned away as Bucky changed, his whole face still flushed and leaving him with the firey feeling in the pit of his stomach that he’d been having since their teenage-year sleepovers. 

Once Bucky was changed, he sat down on the bed. It was pure evidence that he really wasn’t doing well that he hadn’t spoken in a while. Steve would have paid him to start annoying him by talking obnoxiously, he’d have paid him to do anything but sit there in silence, the ghosts haunting his eyes and the bags under them prominent and dark. 

“Can you, uh-” Steve cleared his throat, internally begging that the flush had gone from his cheeks, “can you take your shirt off? I need to check out those injuries.” 

Bucky nodded, and yanked the shirt he had just put on off again, threw it on the ground and lay back on the bed. Steve swallowed hard, exhaled a shaking breath, and moved onto the bed beside Bucky with the first aid kit.  _ This is not about you and your sick feelings-  _

“Jesus Buck,” he breathed, unable to stop himself running his hands along Bucky’s hard stomach softly. “Jesus… Jesus Christ.” 

“Hey man, Lord’s name,” Bucky tried to grin, but Steve couldn’t laugh at his weak attempt at a joke, and Bucky winced as he watched Steve’s face. “That bad, huh?” 

“Bucky…” the sargent’s entire stomach was covered in deep cuts that Steve knew would scar, all showing signs of infection along side rashes and dark purple bruises blooming over his ribcage. Steve trailed his fingers along what he knew were scars from syringes, and his eyes met Bucky’s. 

“What’d they do to you?” Steve whispered, and Bucky exhaled shakily. 

“Buddy, if I knew, you’d be the first to know.” 

Steve had to bite down on his lip to stop it trembling. He took three deep breaths before he opened the first aid kit and told himself to man up. 

“You good there?” Bucky asked, eyeing Steve’s shaking hands as he rummaged through the kit feverishly. 

“Why’re you asking me?” Steve said, not looking at his best friend and picking out what he needed to clean out the cuts and infections. “You oughta worry about yourself some, Buck.” 

“You know I’ll worry about you, no matter what you look like,” Bucky mumbled, closing his eyes.  _ Get a grip, _ Steve told himself angrily.  _ It may hurt for you to look at him, but he’s the one in real pain.  _ He tapped Bucky’s leg and Bucky cracked open one eye to look at him warily. 

“You can’t sleep just yet, I’m afraid,” Steve said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as shaky as it felt. 

“Lemme sleep,” Bucky grumbled, but he opened his eyes anyway. Steve raised his eyebrows. 

“I hope I wasn’t this annoying when I was sick and you took care of me,” he shot at Bucky as he handed him a piece of cloth. “You might wanna bite down on this while I clean these out.” 

Bucky took the cloth and grinned weakly at Steve. 

“Nah, you were way worse, don’t worry.” 

Steve rolled his eyes, but his words came out gently. 

“Bite down,” he said. “This is gonna sting.” 

Bucky’s muffled cries as Steve cleaned out the wound’s made his heart ache. 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry bud, I’m almost done-” He worked as fast as he could, then once the cuts were cleaned out and covered, he gently took the cloth out of Bucky’s mouth, ignoring that it was covered in his spit. Bucky had spent enough of their childhood sitting with Steve while he vomited, he figured he could repay the favour. 

“You alright?” He asked softly. Bucky took a deep breath before he nodded. 

“I’m tough.” 

“I know you are,” Steve replied solemnly. “The toughest.” He looked down at the bruises on Bucky’s ribs. “Tell me when this hurts, okay?” Bucky nodded. 

Steve gingerly ran his fingers down Bucky’s side, and Bucky shivered suddenly. 

Steve looked at him. “Hurt?” 

Bucky’s face was flushed suddenly. “No,” he said slowly, exhaling between his teeth. “No, I just…” Steve’s hand was still pressed to Bucky’s side, and they both looked down at it, Steve’s face suddenly feeling very warm. He swallowed against his dry throat, his gaze moved slowly back to meet Bucky’s, and they locked eyes. Steve’s entire body was hot now, and Bucky’s eyes were watching him intently, as if waiting for Steve to move. He swallowed again. 

“Buck?” He said horsley. “What is it?” 

Bucky’s eyes glistened hungrily. Then he spoke quietly, but with more energy than he had had since Steve had rescued him from Zola’s lab. 

“Are you going to kiss me?” He asked Steve, the words quiet but full of boiling hot passion that was only growing the longer they stared at each other, “or am I going to have to do it for you?” 

Steve didn’t hesitate. He had been waiting too long to hear those words come out of Bucky’s lips; the lips he so longed to kiss. So fuck the overthinking and the self hatred and the disgust he had been feeling all these years; he brought his lips down on Bucky’s and kissed him. 

It was fire, it was longing, it was passion, it was  _ love.  _ If Steve thought he’d been overwhelmed by his love for Bucky before this moment, he had thought wrong. 

Crawling on top of Bucky and pressing his body on top of his soulmate’s, Bucky ran his fingers through Steve’s hair, and Steve moaned. 

“Doesn’t take much to get you started, huh Steve?” 

“Shut up,” Steve replied, but there was no real venom in his words. “D’you know how long I’ve had to wait for this?” 

Bucky grinned and they rolled over, Bucky straddling Steve and undoing his shirt, leaving a trail of kisses down Steve’s stomach. Steve exhaled and his eyes fluttered shut. It all felt so perfect, so right, like he had wasted his whole life feeling as though his brain and his heart were broken for feeling this way, but… 

“Buck,” Steve breathed, his eyes still shut, “Buck, stop-” 

Bucky didn’t stop- he only moved further down Steve’s body, sliding his hands down Steve’s waist to the top of his pants- 

“Bucky,” Steve opened his eyes and pushed Bucky away, “Bucky,  _ stop. _ ” 

Bucky sat up, running his fingers through his hair casually, but Steve couldn't help but notice he looked pissed. 

“What?” 

Steve exhaled. “It’s not that I’m not… not enjoying this…” Steve started softly, and Bucky’s eyes flashed briefly. “I am, I am,” Steve assured him, “Buck, I… I’ve been waiting for this for so long. For… for so long…” he trailed off, and Bucky swallowed. 

“Yeah, well me too,” he replied. “If you’re not ready, then that’s fine I… why did we stop?” His voice was cool, but it didn’t change the fact that his eyes were still hollow and wrecked, his body still stiff, his mouth still turning up at the corners and grimacing if he moved too quickly. 

“Buck,” Steve said again gently. “You’ve just been through something  _ traumatic.  _ Don’t you wanna just… stop? For one moment? Just stop?” 

Bucky stared at Steve, his mouth open. 

“It wouldn’t feel right,” Steve continued softly, brushing a strand of hair of Bucky’s forehead. “Me doing this with you when you’re not… you’re not quite right yet.” 

For a second, Steve wondered if Bucky was going to slap him. 

Instead. Bucky’s entire demeanor wilted suddenly, and he pushed Steve back on the pillows and lay his head on Steve’s chest. 

“M’ so tired, Steve,” he whispered, and Steve swallowed, his eyes burning. 

“I know,” he whispered, trailing his fingers in a gentle pattern on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I know Buck. You can rest now.” 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!  
im on twitter as @elenaclqire, come say hi! <3  
if you enjoyed this fic, i have plenty more stevebucky fics in my works you may like too :)  
love you all. <3


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